Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
