My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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