Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
