I can tuck mytits in my pants
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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