your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How does one acquire holy water?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
