Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
false alarm, still single
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