I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
