My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
