How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Drunk walkin through police station. America
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
