I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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