you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
