The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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