There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
