It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
