only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
