so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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