I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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