He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
