I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
