im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
