Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
