I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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