So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
