I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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