im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
