what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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