I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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