Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
