After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
