Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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