It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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