They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
