he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
