I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
