Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
