his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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