my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
