I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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