Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
