He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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