the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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