on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
