Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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