do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
