If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
