dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
even my farts smell like vagina
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
