Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize