...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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