My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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