i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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