I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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