she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I touched a dick in church today
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
