I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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