Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
