Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
