She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
