I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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