There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
